What the fuck. What happened to no special treatment? What happened to treating a celebrity like any other drunk driver? What happened to sticking it to a 26-year-old hotel heiress who thinks the rules don't apply to her? Paris Hilton was released from prison early Thursday morning after serving just 3 days because of what prison authorities called "an unspecified medical problem." While on Thursday, the gossip show Entertainment Tonight reported on its website that the "unspecified medical problem" was a rash, on Friday it seems that the details concerning her release have been cleared up a bit. And if Paris has a rash, I hope that's cleared up too. Though the type of rash she would have doesn't ever totally clear up. It goes away briefly and then flares up periodically. According to semi-reliable media reports early Friday morning, Paris refused to eat and cried for two days straight in her 12x8 foot cell in the "special needs" wing of the Century Regional Detention Facility in Los Angeles. Friday's Akron Beacon-Journal cites a source who writes, "Paris was apparently suffering from severe panic attacks and depression, where she even became suicidal. Towards the end of her stay, Paris began what others call a nervous breakdown. Her psychiatrist was so concerned for her well-being they did everything possible to get her to a place which was comfortable for her and her health.'' While Paris is accustomed to helping men get off, Thursday, Paris got off. Easy. She did what a little spoiled baby would do. She cried until nobody knew what to do with her and gave her what she wanted. Well you know what, Paris Hilton isn't a baby. I've seen her sex tape. Babies don't moan while they rub their nipples in front of a camera. Babies don't answer their cell phones in the middle of having sex. And surely, babies don't get drunk and weave down Hollywood streets in their Mercedes Benz. What's more, her original sentence of 45 days had already been reduced to 23. She did 3. But authorities will have you know that she wasn't "released," she was "reassigned." To her mansion where she'll serve 40 more days in a bikini sipping frozen drinks by her pool. If you find yourself hating Paris Hilton for being the embodiment of the corruption of American values, just think about this-- according to prison policy "All prisoners entering California's Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood are subjected to a full strip and invasive search upon arrival." I can only wonder what they found in there.
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